tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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