im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
