He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
