If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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