Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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