if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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