I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
