Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
