Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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