I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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