you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
