I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
