Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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