i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
