I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
