Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
