I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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