PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
