i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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