Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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