I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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