Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
