I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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