apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
