my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
