I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
