My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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