Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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