I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
