So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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