I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
