mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
