Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
