There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
