wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
