You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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