i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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