I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
