It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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