I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
