Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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