theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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