i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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