Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
