I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
