Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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