Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
