ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
