You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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