I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
