what day is it and did you see me today?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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