I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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