We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
