he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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