went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
