Cold hands, warm shart.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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