i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
