The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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