All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
