I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
