Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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