rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I pour the whiskey from now on
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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