He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
