The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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