The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The best revenge is premature balding
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
