A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
